Gossip, are there grey areas?

Or is gossip just gossip?

How do you define it? Do you do it? Do you refrain? Is gossip commenting on something someone else said or is it just a comment? Is gossip adding your own opinion or is it just an opinion?

Is there really a way to define anything since everyone has their own view on the entire world.

My husband and I had this discussion yesterday. Apparently someone told him I had said somethings to someone else that spoke badly of him. He didn't want to tell me who so I wouldn't be upset with them or start more drama. When it finally came down to it, he admitted this person didn't even have any specific things that I had said, just that I had said something bad about my husband to others.

When my parents got married the officiant said the most profound thing. I was only five, but for some reason this stuck with me. Or maybe in watching the wedding video before my own wedding it struck a cord with me. "When you go out in the world, do not speak badly of your mate because you are one; and speaking badly of your mate is speaking badly of yourself, your other half. You are joined and therefore you are equally affected by all that happens to your other half." If your mate is hurt, so are you. If your mate is depressed so are you. And so on.

I am saddened to realize I am not good at this at all. I wouldn't say I speak badly of my husband, but at the same time I don't always speak well of him either. Realizing this has brought me to a quick halt. It makes me stop and reevaluate how I speak of my family. When I do speak of the negitivity in my marriage it is either to hear another's view point because I am always looking for another point of view other than my own or to reach out to someone who is having similar problems with their marriage and I want them to know they are not alone; as I feel at times. I want them to know that someone else has been through or going through the same things they are. They are truly not alone. I don't think anyone should feel alone. Especially when you have so many people who are married and can give you a helping hand.

When my girlfriends and I get together to discuss our families and our issues it is for solace and understanding. It is for advice and comfort. And yes, sometimes it is just because we are so fucking pissed off at our families and that we just need to vent. A sounding board of sorts. We understand that you need an outlet, a place to pickup information and advice, a place where you can breath and re-energize. But we also understand that we love our families and do not say these things to be hurtful or cruel. We say them because we understand each other and we know each other and we trust each other.

I can be very trusting and take a good heartfelt conversation with someone I recently met and feel like it is okay to talk of these things. And some people may take them wrong.

Another thing my parent's officiant said to their guests, "You are all witnesses to this union. Do you promise to honor these two people and help them in their quest to love one another? Help them to not stray or speak ill will." And so many other wonderful questions to help their wedding guests realize it is part of their job to surround this couple with people who will help them grow together and stay together and be good to each other. They are there to remind them why they are married and help them through all the good times and bad times. To celebrate the good and understand in the bad.

My husband and I will be celebrating our 2nd anniversary come this New Years. I am very new to marriage; at least that is how it feels. Sometimes it feels like I woke up and suddenly had a husband and a son. I feel out of place and lost. I relate it to living in a foreign country sometimes. I didn't get to ease my way into things as most couples do. I married a ready made family; only no one was ready made. We are all different. We are human. I am definitely not perfect. My husband and I have had our problems. On the other hand, show me a couple who hasn't. I am just not shy about the fact that my marriage is not perfect. I have a hard time because I leave my heart on my shoulder for anyone to view. I reach out to people; for my sake and theirs. I have so much to learn and I try to be as honest as possible. I have even told my son that I am going to need his help in this whole mother thing. I am new to this and maybe together we can figure this out, but know in advance I am going to mess up and so is he. But together we will be okay.

So as my husband and I talked, I realized that to a passerby or someone who doesn't know me would or could think that I was speaking ill of him. I am probably guilty. I should have held my tongue knowing my words could be used wrongly. I am not stupid nor nieve. I guess I figured if this someone had felt I was wrong they would have come to me. I would have gladly explained that the person I was speaking to was also having problems and I felt the need to reach out. But at the same time that doesn't explain my actions. I was wrong in one sense and not in the other, but I will not be doing so in the future. After hearing my husband's side I can understand how he would feel hurt. To him it isn't just women talking; women exchanging information; helping each other; understanding each other. To him it is gossip. And the last thing I want to do is feed the fire. The last thing I want to do is betray my husband.

I will say this though -
My husband and I are not perfect. We do fight. We do argue. But I love my husband more than I have ever thought I could love someone. He is my soul mate. I can't imagine a life without him. I wouldn't want to. Sounds sappy, but he really does complete me. He makes me stop and smell the roses; to breath in life. He makes me love less conditionally. He is my peace and my calm when the world around me is in a storm. He is my opposite. And he may drive me nuts some times, but those things that make me crazy are the reasons I fell in love with him. I love him because he is different from me. There are so many grey areas in life. But whatever color it is - I love my husband.

So I step back and take this all in to perspective and realize this is a great learning experience for me. It made me remember those words my parent's officiant uttered -

"When you go out in the world, do not speak badly of your mate because you are one; and speaking badly of your mate is speaking badly of yourself, your other half. You are joined and therefore you are equally effected by all that happens to your other half."